I'm Outta Here

I'm packing it up, folks. No, not the blog, though I will be changing my URL pretty soon. I have a work event and I will be gone until Wednesday evening. I'm leaving tomorrow morning. The good news? Well, I won't be too far from home, only about 60 miles away. But the work that my job entails will make me stay there through Wednesday evening so I will be shacked up in a luxury hotel. Though not as luxurious as it seems as I will be working my tail off the entire time.

Anyway, even though I KNOW he doesn't need it, please send Josh good thoughts as he will be managing two little terrors, er...the sweetest little girls on the planet, up until then. And the only reason I think it will be hard is because there have been a number of sleep issues lately. We have just gotten through two weeks of sickness in our house. One had a stomach bug and one had a cold, and then they did an exchange. Did you know that Costco sells Airborne now? We are already on our second pack from Costco...and have been dropping the liquid vitamin every 4 hours to try to keep away from these bugs. In any case, I know he will be fine, but I know that one adult for two children is very exhausting. And I will miss all three of them like crazy.

I won't be around for a few days on this blog, not that that's any big deal because I have been rather spotty lately anyway. Once I get through this week, it should hopefully go somewhat back to normal. Don't count on it though, as our six year anniversary is next Saturday and May holds oh so many get-a-ways.

So, here's something you might want to take a look at. Just a few videos. From the park. When viewing the last video, it is possible that you might think:

A) Quite possibly another candidate for America's Funniest Home Videos

B) I would NEVER let them babysit my kids

C) Is that really Olivia, or some mechanical puppet. I mean, c'mon look how quickly she makes a break for it.

D) They are living on the edge with those parenting skills, but at least they are letting their kids have fun.

Whatever your answer, you must know this. We are always very cautious. You want to know why? See what I wrote after the videos.







This one time. At the park. We let Olivia go down the big slide - the one you see Bea going down on her own. There was too much going on. We didn't have 100% attention. Olivia took off down the big slide. Yes, on her own. Have you ever watched the Olympics and the luge event? Well, picture that and someone wiping out. You know how they hit the sides of the run as they are wiping out? That was Olivia. At each curve she kind of got knocked up a little bit. She was ok. Totally ok. In fact, she went right down again with assistance. I did not videotape that.

All About Me

I swore I wouldn’t talk about it anymore, but I swear just this last time. This friend/acceptance thing is bugging me like you would not believe. Tell me if you ever felt this way: Some people that you think are your friends take a liking to your children (and possibly the blog) more than you. I’m constantly left wondering if I even matter or if the friendship I had mattered. And I am angered every time I think about this person and the way things are now. And then I read this post. The last few sentences say exactly what I feel. I am not sure what next steps there are in this, or if there are any at all.

Congrats...

To HappyDad and family, on the birth of their second daughter. He has three posts on what it's like to be on the dad-side of things through the whole birthing experience - before and during. And Part I has a picture of their beautiful addition. Two girls close in age...sounds a lot like some other family I know very well.

Olivia at 14 Months

Dear Olivia,

Today you are 14 months old.

I, unfortunately, don't have too much to report this month, as you seem to be going along the same path you have been for a while now. You're a bit cranky, and I think that we've narrowed down the cause this month. We had thought that it was because you weren't yet walking and wanted to, but I don't think that's it at all. You're the second child in our family, and I think you feel you're in your sister's shadow most of the time. She's older and able to do more, and you're only a year behind. To be honest with you, I remember having these same feelings about your Uncle Todd when we were a bit older and in high school. I don't remember having these feelings so young, though, and now I don't have those feelings at all because we are two different people.


One day your sister was very sick, so she didn't go with you to daycare. All I heard about when you got home was that you were so happy that day, not one bit of crankiness. Then, as we awaited for her to come home, you were laughing and smiling and babbling up a storm. You were this person that I had not seen in a long time. I didn't realize that sibling rivalry can happen so young, but I can understand how you feel. You try to get our attention all the time, and if we don't show you it to you constantly, you get very upset with us as if we are neglecting you. We are not, sweetheart. I promise you that. You're both equals in this house, and you are very special to us.


You've not been very healthy during the last month. I'm not sure if I should call it sick, or if you're having a tremendous battle with incoming teeth. You've pulled a fever on us quite a few times. Sometimes you have no other symptoms, and your sleep patterns are pretty hard to deal with these days. Although this last weekend, you have come down with something. I took you to urgent care yesterday, and while the experience wasn't great, I enjoyed spending some one on one time with you. I learned that you learned a few new words (book, sissy...), and you were comforted just sitting with me the entire time.


When you're happy and healthy, you'll play for hours on end. A few of the really cute things you've done this month are: trying to brush your own hair, drinking liquids and spitting them right out while knowing exactly what you are doing (an attention getter), waving bye-bye. You waving bye-bye is the cutest thing in the world. For the most part, the only part that moves is below your elbow and your hand. You look like you're doing the beauty queen wave. I melt everytime you do it.


You're stubborn when it comes to walking. We've got a ways to go on that one. You've taken a couple of steps with your walker, but for the most part, you are adamant about not doing it. You're standing a lot more these days, doing a bit of cruising, but when it comes to getting out of standing position, you haven't figured it out. You start crying when you want to get down. I know the easiest way for you to figure it out is to fall on your padded butt, but you refuse to do it. As for the walking, I'm in no hurry, but I want you to do it soon. I think you'll be happier because then you will be able to keep up with everyone a little bit more. But, for now, you're happy just the way you are...and we love you for it.

I love you,
Mama

How Motherhood Changed Me, Part II

More things I have noticed since Part I.

Caring less about what others think. I'm not sure if this is something that came with becoming a mother, or if it is something that happens when you hit 30. I really do care less about what other people think of me. I remember when I used to go out before I had kids, and I felt people would notice every little thing about me. If someone was staring at my shoes, my hair - what were they thinking and were they judging me? Well, now I am pretty sure I am looked at much more with two spirited kids and am probably judged on exactly how I am raising them (i.e. - raising them WRONG!). In any case, I don't care. And I could care less about what others think about me personally. My focus is my kids and my family, and how happy they make me. I wonder why this bothered me so much before, cause I certainly don't give a damn anymore.

Less TV. I think about just how much television I watched before kids, and it completely shocks me. I was an addict, to say the least. I needed to watch everything it seemed. And then on the weekends, I would watch re-runs of episodes I'd seen 10 times already. Talk about a waste of time. I think about all that time I could have been doing something else, and I am mad that I lost it, mad that I let myself do that. These days there is no time for television, and what we watch is more animated than not. I only watch one show consistently, one I must see. That's it. I thought it would bug me and feel like I must be missing something great, but it doesn't. Every now and then I watch something random when the girls go to bed. It's so weird. I never thought I would be like this.

Shopping for others. Not much to this one, but whenever I have some free time to go out and shop to get myself some new things, it's never for me. The girls make out more than I do. They now have more clothes than me. EACH! Less for me, more for them.

Endless cleaning. I like things clean. It's just not that way anymore because I honestly cannot keep up with it. A clean house turns into a disaster in about 20 minutes. I'm not sure why I bother so much anymore. And the laundry? Oh my gosh, the laundry! It really is neverending. As soon as I think it's all done, there's another load ready to go...four people's clothes is a lot of work. I was trying to calculate how much laundry I did one weekend, and it was about 10 loads that had accumulated from one week. That's crazy. It will be so nice when the girls can help out a little in the cleaning department. I spend way too much time doing that.

Time alone? Sometimes we get that. But, forget going to the bathroom alone. I haven't been able to do that in a good two years. Or get popped in on when I'm in the shower. I'm followed around all the time, so the time I do get to myself I try to make the most of (like today, finishing taxes - uh yeah, that wasn't so much fun).

Acceptance. Ok, so first I felt it was my fault, that because I had kids a lot of my relationships took a back seat. I've gone through all the stages of feelings on that. I've had such a hard time with it, as I am sure people who have been reading this blog for a while have read. I'm accepting it. Not because I want to, but because I have to. I've tried, and well, I'm done trying. I've accepted it because I've realized that I can't change anyone or try to keep explaining that I still care about you, but please make an effort, too. I've accepted it all and it's done. When these people have kids, I hope they will understand and that we can try to become close again. Until then, I'm accepting that there are certain people in my life I will always be close with no matter what, and they are the one's that are still there, and I love them for that (M, D, S, L, J, J, P, K).

Stay tuned for Part III, sure to come in just a few months...

CRAP!

At the park the other day:

Josh: Olivia, DO NOT touch that bird crap.

Bea: Bird crap?

Jenna: Josh!

Bea: Josh!

Jenna: Reality check that we really DO need to watch what we say now.


We made it to over 2 years old and were hit with an unlikely suspect of a word, which isn't really even a bad one, coming out of her mouth. Shit, I am not exactly sure how we managed that one. Oops!

Beatrice at 27 Months

Dear Beatrice,

Today you are two years and three months old.

I'd say that we are definitely well into the "Terrific Two's", my dear. I refuse to call them terrible, even though sometimes they are rightfully so. It can be the slightest thing that just puts you over the edge, when you were so happy just a minute before. The words "Sorry, mama" that I heard so much over the last month come to mind. It's amazing to me how far you continuously progress these days. The sentences get longer. The feelings are told to us. The songs that you now sing verbatim. It's amazing, little girl.


This last month was a quiet one in our house, so I feel as though I don't have much to say. You spent a lot of time with your grandparents (your father's parents) over the last month due to some sicknesses going around our house, as well as us trying to get things done around the house (you'll know what I'm talking about in about 16 years when you will probably have to do your own taxes). Most of the time I didn't want you to go because you're so easy to have around these days. The problem is that you get antsy and want to go and do things, and the things that needed to get done around here were indoor activities, definitely not fun times for you.


TV is slowly becoming less and less requested (thank god!). I think it has to do with the great weather we are having and the time change. Instead of coming home when it is dark and cold outside, it's sunny so most days your father will take you for a walk or to the park after picking you up from daycare. This makes tube watching more difficult, because by the time he gets back (and sometimes I'm able to join you), it's time for dinner and then the bath and then night-night. You're still into "Cars" very much, but not so much the daily cartoons that we regretfully decided to Tivo every episode of.


You're still playing mommy to your little sister and continue to tell me that she is crying when she is indeed crying and that she needs her bottle (I've even seen you try to pick her up at times). You tell me things like this all the time. They're obvious things. The door is open and it's cold and it should be shut. Tiger and MooMoo need their dinner. You spilled your juice all over the floor. I'm not saying that it bugs me, it's just funny to hear someone state these things, when we as adults just think those things to ourselves. You say everything you are thinking out loud - and I mean everything. You're such a chatterbox, but I never tire of your sweet voice. And it makes discovery of things so much more interesting.


This past month has gone by so quickly, as they always seem to do these days. Though I don't feel like I've missed much with you, I do feel as though you are turning into a little girl. I can definitely say that you are no longer a baby. I get a little sad about it at times, only because I want to hold you and snuggle and most of the time you want nothing to do with it. I try to hold on to what I can - Certain things, sweet things, like you giving me a kiss and a hug for no reason at all. I take these things and put them in my pile of memories that make me feel better when things aren't going so well.

Have I mentioned to you lately how much I love you? I do. And probably more than you'll ever know.

Love,
Mama

Some Things Make It All Worth It

Not one, but both girls screamed "Mama" as I walked in the door after work today. Bea came running, and Olivia came crawling. It made my entire day.

And the Plague Hits Us Again...

Or something like that.

I was so excited for the Easter holiday this year. I had last Friday off as a work holiday (Good Friday) and sent the girls off to daycare. Josh also had to work, so I was well prepared in going out and getting baskets and eggs and decorating items. Everything was ready to go on Friday, and our big plans included getting together with Josh's sister, her girls, his parents, and us to do the egg decorating. Easter Sunday was planned for a big egg hunt in our backyard and then dinner at his parents house.

The only thing that happened for us was dinner with his parents and an egg hunt (not at our house) on Sunday.

On Saturday, Olivia woke up with a scorching fever. She hadn't slept well at all the night before - was whiney pretty much the entire night and waking up every hour - and was crankier than I'll get out. Then, Josh said he didn't feel well either. We're not sure what he had but it was either the flu or food poisoning, which he is still recovering from. He thought that he and Olivia had the same thing, but I don't think so.

Fortunately, Bea was fine. Though, she had just finished up 14 days of antibiotics, we were so tempted to keep them on her because we had some extra that could possibly prevent the onset of something new. We didn't give them to her. Instead, we shipped her off to Grandma and Grandpas to spend time with her cousins. Once she heard that GiGi and NayNay were in town, the gig was up. She didn't want to be at home, but instead with her cousins. Josh and I spent Saturday afternoon alone with Olivia, but then it ended up being just me and Olivia because he rested and took a nap. We had planned to get over to his parents house to help decorate eggs, but I was exhausted from the night before and he was in poor shape. To top it off, we called to see how it was going and all we got was a happy girl who normally would say she wanted to come home but was yelling her cousins names in excitement between breaths. When Josh's mom put her on the phone to talk to me, all she said was "hi mama" and then "NayNay! GiGi!" I asked her if she wanted to stay the night at her grandparents and she said yes (and she didn't even have her beloved blanket and bow-wow). Then she was done with me. But then a minute later the phone rang and I hear the sweet little voice say "Love you, Mama." It made my heart melt and I wanted her home, but it was good for her to spend time with some other family.

So Josh, Livey and I hung out Saturday night, and we decided there was no way we were going to get the house cleaned for the big egg hunt. So, that ended up being at his parents as well. Livey was doing a little better Sunday, but not Josh. He had about two bites of dinner and that was it. As for Livey, I'm pretty sure it's teething. She's getting two more as I write this. The same thing happened right before she got her first top tooth...a fever and nothing else. Just completely uncomfortable.

In any case, Easter ended up being nice, semi-quiet, and full of candy. I seem to have avoided the sickness this time, if there really was one (I am thinking teething and food poisoning for the two of them, so not contagious). Bea is fine, too. The girls got their baskets Sunday evening since we spent most of the day at Josh's parents. They weren't too impressed after all the excitement of the day. But, I was glad I did that for them, and I am looking forward to every single holiday that is to come...

Just My Personal Opinion

I had the day off today, and in spite of having a nice day, I was disturbed by something I saw this morning. As I was driving to get coffee, I noticed a parade of people walking down a main street where I live. I wondered what those people were doing. As I got closer, I wanted to avert my eyes. They were protesting abortion, and I assumed that they were more than likely making their way to the Planned Parenthood near where I live. There must have been over 100 of them.

Everyone has a right to believe in what they want, and I'm not saying that abortion is right, nor is it wrong. I am definitely for one side more than the other, and I won't say what side I lie on, but it might be obvious. As I said, everyone has a right to picket for anything they believe strongly about. This is why we live where we live. However, when I see parents - quite a few of them - carrying children along in strollers or in wagons in this protest walk, I get angry. Adults are informed and they can make decisions based on facts and from an opinion based on that. Children are not well informed. And it made me so incredibly angry seeing this. Then I started rationalizing, like maybe they couldn't find a sitter to watch their children and wanted to be involved so they brought them along. Then I thought, well maybe they are using them as part of their protest, which I see as completely wrong. Let's just say seeing this really upset me.

Were those kids questioning their parents as to what an abortion is? How would they answer? And how in the world do they react to those photographs that they use in those signs, and those words they use in their signs? How do they explain it? It makes me want to scream. You want to know why? Because every Saturday on my way to Target with the girls I pass that Planned Parenthood, the one that always has protestors on that day because it is one of the days they do abortions there. And you know what I hear from my two year old daughter? I hear the question of "what's that?" when we are stopped at the light right in front of it. How do you tell a two year old that that picture she is looking at is a fetus who's picture was distorted and made to look so sick that maybe, JUST MAYBE, a person who is pregnant and considering abortion might change their mind just by seeing it? I'm sorry, but I just can't explain that to her. It's impossible. And those pictures and what they say? They turn my stomach.

I think from now on we will be taking a different route on our Saturday Target trips.

The Day that I was a Bad Mother

That was today.

My workplace is pretty flexible as far as when people come into the office. There are people who do not get there until 10:30 or so. I'm only in my third week, and I've been showing up between 9 and 9:30, only today I had an "optional" meeting to attend at 9. I still want to make a good impression, so instead of taking my time getting the girls ready, I was rushing around a bit in order to make it to that meeting.

I got them out and into the car with no issues other than both of them deciding they wanted to do #2 right before heading out. That's a five minute delay. As we pull up to daycare, I am thinking we are ahead of schedule. Generally, I pull Livey out of the car first, but today I took Bea out first...not too sure why. She was happy as a clam and giving me hugs. I pull the minivan door and slide it closed. It closes. I start to walk away from the van with Bea in my arms, only I am tugged back. As I look, I cannot believe what I am seeing. Fingers are caught in the door. I'm horrified.

I instantly open the door and grab her hand. She's frozen. And she is staring at her hand. Then she starts to scream. I'm trying to be calm but I know I'm not. I'm asking her if she is ok and to let me see her hand. The top of two of her knuckles have turned purple and one has scraped skin near the bottom of her nail. The inside of her hand has a skin scrape as well. My eyes well up with tears. She is crying, and she has tears, which means that all is not well. I sit down on the sidewalk with her and hold her for a few minutes as she collapses in my arms. Then, when she is calmed down, I start moving her fingers around, because I think if it hurt or was broken that she would cry or tell me that it hurt. She didn't do anything but start saying how the car hit her. I was thinking that I wanted to say it wasn't entirely the cars fault, but I didn't. I then asked her if she would pick up one of her toys using that hand, and she did. She seemed fine. Only I wasn't.

You go through life attempting to protect your children from bad things happening to them. You protect them with all your might. You never want to see them hurt. Ever. There are a lot of things that are preventable. This was one of them. What did I do?

I cannot even describe the guilt I felt. It was with me all day. I was scared to tell Josh what happened, afraid that he might get mad because I could have prevented it from happening. He reassured me that everything was fine, and that he was pretty sure that Bea being the type of person she is, probably went about her entire day and forgot about it entirely. I wish I had, but I just couldn't.

When I got home and saw her, I grabbed her and hugged her. Then I looked at her hand, which looked almost completely fine. I asked her if she had owies, and she said "doctors" and "shot" as she tells us this story about 10 times every day. She had forgotten. I don't think I ever will...