Okay, Okay

I have been thinking about not continuing this blog. Period. End of story. I guess I didn’t realize that people are interested in what I post or that maybe I was only really thinking of myself in stopping the whole thing. Or that my husband would tell me that this is the only real documentation we will have - in words - to give the kids. And, yes, it was the reason I started doing this anyway. But the last few weeks have been…tough. There’s been nothing that I’ve wanted to share out loud in front of an audience. The fact of it all is that life as a parent has many, many hurdles. The girls are easy one day, and then the next they throw me off my rocker and I have lost my patience one too many times. It makes me exhausted. I don’t have the energy to write about it at the end of the day. Though, this isn’t the only reason I’ve been a blank canvas lately.

I’m following my dream, people. Well, I’m at least trying to follow it in a way that makes sense to me. I’m writing that book, I’m researching publicists and publishers that would be interested in that book, and I’m doing a lot of thinking ahead about it in my brain. There’s a lot going on in there right now. My head is full. I have to do it. I want to do it. And if in the end I get rejected by everyone, at least I can say that I tried.

So, why now? It is true that I said last year I was going to do it and I continuously put it off. This year I put it on my resolution list. But, that’s not why. There’s no time like the present, right? How do you know if you don’t even try? More importantly, what if something happened to you tomorrow and you never had the chance? That’s why.

In the past few weeks, I’ve had to do a little evaluation. I have never been happier in my life than I am at this point in time. Never happier. Of course there are things I’d like to change (oh, you know a better economy would be nice, a bigger house would be the best thing in the world, etc…) but overall everything has been really great. Though, when you find yourself in the ER on a Friday night after the rest of the family has gone to bed because you are having enormous chest pains and think you could, in fact, be dying and then you tell the hospital that and find there is no shitting around with chest pains we will see you right now and then your life starts flashing right before you as to what if it is my time right now and I don’t get to see the girls or Josh ever again. Well, that’s scary. People don’t like talking about that stuff, and yeah, it makes me uncomfortable even saying that yes, that did happen to me and I tried to gloss over it as quickly as I could. It’s just a frightening topic.

So, I’ve decided that’s it. There will be no more waiting around for stuff to happen. I’m going to have to make things happen on my own. No regrets, isn’t that what a lot of people say? But, how many people do you know that live by that motto? Well, you now know at least one. And the first item on my agenda is getting that book published.