Maybe Monday

I received an urgent note yesterday at about nine in the morning from Josh saying “BEA’S APPOINTMENT IS NOT TODAY, IT IS TOMORROW!” So, we had one more day to wait and I took her in today. There’s still a murmur there, but the doctor said that it is more faint than it was last week. He also mentioned that he pays special attention to the heart in all his examinations. Since it was never there before and is still there slightly, he wants to go a level deeper and have us see a specialist. He referred us to a pediatric cardiologist that he recommends highly (I also googled this doctor’s name to try to find out something, and boy, he’s been in the paper because he is supposedly the awesome awesomist pediatric cardiologist). He said it might be difficult to get an appointment, but when I called, they are wide open on Monday. I’ll be taking her in the morning for a full round of questions, an EKG and an ultrasound.

Though it may seem like I am trudging along and oh so blah about this, I feel like everything is going to be okay and that we are getting the best help possible. And, I also learned today that for Bea’s sake, I need to stay positive. When the doctor was listening to her heart, she kept looking up and smiling at me. When he said, “well, the heart murmur is still there, but it’s faint” my heart sunk, but I didn’t make a big deal of it. And as she asked me “why” we were going to the doctor, I just kept telling her “oh, the doctor just wants to listen to the thump, thump, thump of your heart, that’s all.” When I took her back to daycare and she jumped out of the car, I told her that I wanted to give her a hug and she ran up to me, threw her arms around me, and squeezed me harder than she ever has. I squeezed back. Then, after what seemed like a long moment between us, she said, “mom, you’re hugging me too hard.” Sometimes I feel like these times that feel sorta scary actually bring us closer.

I’ll let you know how things go on Monday, but whatever the outcome, I think it’s gonna be allright.