Bearing A Burden

I have to get something off my chest. I've been keeping some built up stress for days now, and I want to say something, and yet I also want to keep it to myself. I think that the only way I will feel better is if I do just open up because it will make me feel better.

Only a close circle of friends and some of my family know that I've grown up with a heart murmur. I have mitral valve prolapse, a not so serious condition with my heart. I'm not going to go in depth about it. If you want to find out more, please google it. I have been fine most of my life with having this condition, but in the back of my head I have always had a fear about it. While taking my physical for high school a doctor had discovered it, and I've had it ever since. They claimed I would outgrow it, but I never did.

Sometimes I live in complete fear just knowing I have a murmur. There are some things that will never be normal in my life. I get heart palpitations. I get pain in my chest that scares the daylights out of me. I have to take medicine before going to the dentist. I must always have an extra IV for surgery. I could never have a natural birth without an extra IV attached. My hands and feet are often cold as a result of blood backflow. I have panic attacks at times when I fear that I might just be having a heart attack. I find myself probably once a year at urgent care because I fear that my heart is going to burst or stop and make them give an EKG just so that I can have piece of mind. I don't like to live like this, yet I have lived this life for quite a while now. It's not going to end, even though they said it could leave at anytime. But everytime the doctor listens to my heart, it is still there.

I wouldn't be talking about this or telling you this if something hadn't happened that is greatly affecting me. Bea was really sick last week, and she had gotten another sinus infection. The doctor listened to her heart, and he found a murmur. When Josh told me this, I thought that he had to be kidding. It's not supposed to be hereditary, yet I feel like this was my doing. I've read so much information about murmurs online, and typically it is common in children. Or, they can get them when they're sick. But, they never picked up on one before. I'm not sure what to believe. They told me I would outgrow mine, and I didn't, so how am I to believe this will be the case for her?

I've probably written this so many times now, but I want my children to be happy and healthy and safe, as do all parents. I feel helpless. I can't prevent this from happening. I can't keep her safe from it. It's heartwrenching. I've cried a lot of tears over the last couple of days just hoping that it is going to be nothing. And, yes, I know deep down that there are so many worse things than this. If it were something worse, I would feel exactly the same. This is my child. I want her to grow up healthy. This Thursday I will be escorting her to the doctor, where all of my fears will be totally realized, or this will just be something that got me all worked up, crying way too many tears, for absolutely no reason. Expect the worst, hope for the best...it is all I can think about right now.

While my life has been relatively good in all other aspects, this is the one thing that I wish I could live my life without. I don't want my child to live her life with this. I want her to live the best life possible, and not have the fear that I have if this does become a realization. I just want everything to be okay.